Challenge #2: Going Cavewoman

While I have a plethora of ridiculous stories to share from the past few days alone (e.g. me getting nearly blown away by a giant beach umbrella, me thinking it was a great idea to fulfill the dreams of 5 year olds to go 'in the 9 ft' of my aunt's swimming pool when they can't really swim, or getting nailed in the hoo-hah and dropping to the ground, causing a scene, after my nephew took a full swing at his golf ball when we went mini-golfing), I'm returning again today to the purpose of this blog: to challenge myself to things I know I would normally quit and forcing myself-- for once-- to stick to them.

Unfortunately, my first challenge of forcing conversation in public restrooms and eliminating the awkward silence in elevators has not had the results for which I hoped. It seems as though the rest of Milwaukee sensed I was going to start doing this and has now, without my knowledge until this exact second of spontaneous realization, implanted a GPS device somewhere in my body to constantly track my whereabouts so I have been unable to sabotage the unsuspecting elevator riders or restroom users. I literally have not encountered ANYONE in the bathroom or elevator since I posted that. What a bummer. I was hoping to acquire some epic stories.

Anyway, my discovery of what I should do for challenge number 2 (have no fear, I will continue with challenge #1 as well) began when I checked the mail today. Ballin! My roommate's free subscription to GLAMOUR is still coming. I immediately grabbed an after-work snack and headed to my heavenly bed to read my gossip Bible cover to cover. As I neared the end, I came upon the article which has become the backbone to my second, and MUCH more difficult challenge. I'm going to become a cavewoman.

Ok, not in the literal sense of the word, but in the GLAMOUR way. The truth. The light. The article is entitled, "The Cave-Woman's Guide to Good Health."

'Oh, you've got this. You've got this,' I told myself. I think I'm a decently healthy person and I love fire as much as the next cavewoman, so I forged ahead reading the guide.

• Move Your Body

Done and done. I congratulated myself on dominating the list of being a healthy cavewoman so far because I love being active. Exercise is my stress release and I workout multiple times a week to maintain some semblance of sanity.

• Get Some Natural Light

Check. No one has to tell me twice to go to the beach. And yes, I SPF.

• Eat Real Food

Shooters. This is when I almost puked. It's not that I don't eat healthy things, because I do. I love vegetables and my favorite day of the week is when I get fresh produce delivered from local farms. That's not the problem. I could barely read about the average American woman eating the poundage of an 8 year old child in sugar every year because my cookie crumbs had taken over the page. I glared down at the culprit, my beloved Duplex cookies. So what if I was eating some (ok, a LOT) of cookies, who cares? But then I looked across the room at my garbage can and I saw the skeletons of past regrets: empty Ben and Jerry's containers, chocolate covered pretzel bags, an entire box of raisins, status: empty.

Oh my God, oh my God. I immediately wanted to put my little Dirt Devil to use for once and suck all that crap out of my body.

It was then (keep in mind this was about 20 minutes ago) that due to the incredible ability of my mind to remember every stinking detail of worthless information, I was able to recall everything I've eaten over the past few days. All I can say is praise the Lord of the gym that I like exercising, because I did not know I regularly consume almost TWICE as many calories a day as I should. How I'm not incredibly overweight, I don't know, but that's not the point.

THE CHALLENGE: I, the Queen and most exalted consumer of refined sugar and carbs, is going into self-rehab. This will begin as a 30 day challenge, the entire duration of which I'm not allowed to eat foods with processed, refined sugary goodness. I'm serious.

For my mother who will probably read this and immediately call me telling me to not be silly and don't starve myself, I'm not starving myself. I'm simply going to cut out all the crap I shouldn't be eating anyway. This is not a diet to try to become super skinny, and that's really not a high risk situation for me now anyway. Remember I'm in college. Think about it...yep, there you go. And why would I want to lose my booty? Then I could no longer have Beyonce as my idol.

It's a challenge. It's a cleanse. Bring it.

I have been clean for 3 minutes now.

And of course there was more to the cavewoman list, but I stopped where I'm failing. One thing at a time, please. I don't even own a bear fur vest.